Assalamualaikum w.b.t friends & readers.
Alhamdulillah I finally had time to update at my own leisurely pace! As usual, I've been stalling on writing in this blog while I'm so caught up in studies. I can't believe I just finished second year! By September I'm officially a third-year dental student and Allah's willing, I'll be starting my dental practices not long after that. In this semester period, a lot of things has taken place. Some good, some bad. But Alhamdulillah a lot of good things has happened and I'm planning to keep a permanent hold on them. As usual we can only plan and strive for whatever we wish for, but He..decides our path.
One of the best things was coming back to my ukhti.
I used to attend usrah gatherings when I was in first year, mostly because of obligatory reasons. But unfortunately I had a different way of thinking at that time. Combined with the demanding chores from my dental course and the desire to live comfortably in my own little world, I made the decision to bail. But my sisters never gave up on me. It took me a year and half to return back to my akhwat, but they never closed the door to me. In fact they hold my hands warmly, and hugged closed as if I never left. One sister even made it far as if to slip me this hadeeth:
"Sesungguhnya amal perbuatan itu disertai niat dan setiap orang mendapat balasan amal sesuai dengan niatnya. Barangsiapa yang berhijrah hanya kerana Allah dan Rasul-Nya, maka hijrahnya itu menujui Allah dan Rasul-Nya. Barangsiapa hijrahnya karena dunia yang ia harapkan atau karena wanita yang ingin ia nikahi, maka hijrahnya itu menuju yang ia inginkan."
(Hadis 1, Riwayat Bukhari & Muslim)
Now, apart from my classes I attended usrah gatherings and daurahs held by the sisters regularly. Recently they established the "University of Tarbiyyah" program aimed to equip the participants with Tsaqofah, Seerah and Quraan-Sunnah classes. All the sisters called gatherings like these as 'taman-taman syurga', meaning the Gardens of Paradise. To me, the term represents more than accurate. Whenever I'm with them, the world stops. You're there in the halaqah together with people who has the same aim as you: Allah swt. You talk good things. You discuss good things. You listen to good things. At first our hearts felt so heavy to attend because our minds are somewhere else, pretty soon I was filled with eagerness and thirst to learn more about this religion I thought I knew about.
My murobbis are more than happy to answer every bombarding questions I had. My usrah group or as we called ourselves, "Inas Muharikah" (try to translate the meaning!) has proactively involved themselves in my life, going so far as to check up on my well-being or dedicating me ayaats. One can never compare the ukhti spirit in the akhwats. I'm glad that I gathered back my courage to be back in this path :)
I would like to share a beautiful piece from the glorious Quraan:
"Sesungguhnya Tuhanmu (mengampuni) orang yang mengerjakan kesalahan kerana kebodohannya, kemudian mereka bertaubat setelah itu dan memperbaiki (dirinya), sungguh Tuhanmu setelah itu benar-benar Maha Pengampun, Maha Penyayang." 16:119
What I can tadabbur or explain this ayaat with my own interpretation is that Allah swt is a Forgiver. In our young and curious age where we had phases to try and discover a lot of things, imminently we were influenced to do things that, oh I don't know, later regret in life. Small things, big things. But Allah swt, unlike others do forgive our mistakes because our ignorance, arrogance or just plain stupidity. Not once, but every time we crawl back crying on our knees to Him. As I learnt later in life, everybody wrote their own stories with their own inks provided by Allah swt. Maybe our stories wasn't so good at the start, but depending on how quick we were to realize we were making ink splotches and grammar errors, we start to write our stories more beautifully as we makes amends with ourselves by getting closer to our Creator.
Taking baby steps to correct our mistakes is better than knowing about the mistakes but we blatantly ignored the mistakes because of a I'll-do-it-some-other-time attitude. Why not now? Why do we have to wait till we're 60 to change our ways? Or more precisely, in our society nowadays, until we're married.
Why set a deadline for ourselves?
"Boleh jadi kamu tidak menyenangi sesuatu padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi pula kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu, sesungguhnya Allah amat mengetahui sedang kamu tidak mengetahui." 2:216
This ayaat hit me hard. I'm telling you, my dear readers. I was so bent on having usrah previously, and now, coming back was the best decision I've ever made in this period of 20 years. Allah has His own unique ways of making you realize, made you forget, tapped your heart a little, and closed it for a while. At the end, it'll be you yourself who will walk down the path and choose to live for Allah swt, or live for yourself. No I'd like to correct myself: Not for
yourself, but for the life in the Dunia that we loved so much.
I've asked this question to my friends/strangers, just for fun a few years back:
"If you have only one more month to live, what would you do?"
Most of the response were:
"Pergi solat and beramal."
"Dekatkan diri dengan Tuhan."
Nobody ever replied with:
"I'll just live the way I am used to."
Because we knew there's a clear deadline for us: BAM, only one month left. Only one more month left to make amends, to repair ourselves, to patch our holes. Time's running out. We have so much to do, with so little time. And that, my dear readers comes back to the question:
Why not now?
Why set a deadline for ourselves?
Because we are too comfortable with the way we are right now. In fact, we're just plain scared to get out from our comfort zone. We knew we had a deadline we can never afford to miss: Death. Yes, when we speak of Death, we raise fear in ourselves. We knew that we had a door opening for us to taubat, but Death, yes Death closes the door for us. Its nice to know the door is still open for us to someday walk in it, but once the door is closed..we missed the millions of opportunities to walk inside it. We never knew when Death will come to us, and that is exactly why we just assume we'll meet it when we're old. Well, everybody knows its not exactly that precise. We feared for it. But, we found ourselves ways to box that fear, that is, with the amusement of the Dunia.
"Kehidupan dunia itu hanyalah permainan dan senda gurauan, perhiasan, dan saling berbangga di antara kamu serta berlumba dalam kekayaan..Dan kehidupan dunia tidak lain hanyalah kesenangan yang palsu." 57:20
They said live life to the fullest. But as we are so absorbed with the dunya we have, we forgot about the journey will have to take later on. There's an ayaat in the Quraan which mentioned how the world is a paradise for the non-believers, but a prison for the believers. I admit, it is so hard to move myself away from the life I used to live in: I lavished myself with pretty things, studied hard so that I'd be the best student, competed to look better than other girls, and pampered myself with compliments & likes from others whenever I posted a self-shot photo of myself in Instagram.
Until now, it was so hard from me to walk away from the beautiful facade the Dunia had put up for me. But slowly, as I withdrew from updating unnecessary things about myself, refrained from posting self-shot photos in social sites and walked around with a big hijab and baggy clothes, I began to understand why I did this. I still have my moments of weakness where my imaan declined and the sweet temptations of the Dunia started to overcome me once again..but Alhamdulillah I have many people who had watchful eyes on me, and reminded me every time I was in such circumstances.
"Berlumba-lumbalah kamu untuk mendapatkan ampunan dari Tuhanmu dan syurga yang luasnya seluas langit dan bumi, yang disediakan bagi orang-orang yang beriman kepada Allah dan rasul-rasul Nya. Itulah karunia Allah, yang diberikan kepada siapa yang dia kehendaki.." 57:21
Ya Allah, thank you. Thank you.
Aainaa Aqila K.